Bitchfest 2014

I used to consider myself a pretty strong person.  I never cried much, I made it through a lot of stressful times without breaking down, and I held up other people along the way.  But as I'm getting older and the stress and anxiety is just piling on, I'm realizing that I can barely hold myself up let alone anyone else.  

This past Monday, my boyfriend broke up with me.  I was devastated and heartbroken and still am.  He is everything to me and I don't really know what to do now that he doesn't want to be with me at all.  He made me truly happy and now he barely speaks to me.  I don't really know how your feelings for someone just disappear within a matter of months, but it happened I guess.  I thought he would always be in my life, but I guess he had other ideas.  

My brother is depressed.  He has had some major meltdowns recently and I'm not really sure how to help him.  It sucks that I'm in Milwaukee and he's back in Illinois so we don't get to talk that much, but I wish I knew how he is feeling and how I could help.  I know he feels that my parents put a lot of pressure on him to do well in school and keep his priorities straight and all that.  I dealt with the same thing at his age.  But everyone handles things differently and it seems it was all too much for him.  

My mom doesn't want to be with my dad anymore.  This is an old issue.  They have been back and forth between good and almost divorcing for the last few years.  My dad keeps "changing" and becoming a good husband...for a few months.  Then when he's done with the charade, everything goes back to normal and everyone's miserable again.  My mom is very open with me about how she feels about my dad (which I'm sure some people find odd or wrong), and I honestly think that she could do better.  She should be happy.  I love both my parents very much but I have always thought that they are just not right for each other.  And I think they know that too.

I'll be graduating college in less than three months and the only thing I feel is super anxious about it.  I am excited that soon I will be done with school.  I hate school and I hate Wisconsin so there's really no reason for me to not be happy about leaving soon.  But I can't stand the thought of having to be a nurse when this is over.  As nursing school has progressed, I have found a few things here and there that I like about it.  But for the most part, it makes me miserable.  When I'm at the hospital, all I can think about is how this doesn't feel right and how I should be leaving this to the people who actually have a passion for it and how I can't wait to just go home.  I also am going to have to move back home to Illinois which is where ALL the drama is with my family.  At least when I'm here, I am only involved when someone gets me involved (like with a phone call or visit), but soon I will have no choice.  I try my best to keep to myself and stay out of everything, but despite my best efforts something always happens that somehow becomes my problem.  On top of all that, I have almost $150,000 in loans that I am going to have to start paying off in June.  I don't even want to think about that.

Honestly, all I want is my boyfriend right now.  When things were stressful, he would always listen and hold me and try his best to make me feel better.  It always worked.  And now, the one person who I tell everything to and the one person who I know can make me feel better is shutting me out.  So now this insane drama-filled bitchfest gets to go on my blog instead.  Enjoy.

A Drop In The Ocean

Being in a relationship is one of the most fun, exhilarating, and frustrating parts of life, I'm sure many people would agree.  You get to know someone so well that they just become your "person."  That one person whom you can trust and love unconditionally, who you can tell anything to and completely be yourself around, the one person who can always put a smile on your face and a song in your heart.  Cheesy, I know, but also very true.  For many people, women in particular, having the emotional stability of a good relationship is higher up on their priority list than many other things (or so I've read).  So what happens when everything in your relationship starts to crumble? What happens when your "person" starts becoming a stranger again?  These are questions that I am currently trying to deal with, and hating every second of it.

I know there's a lot of relationship crap on the internet.  How to get over a guy, how to revamp your sex life, how to get someone to notice you, how to know if he's the one...blah blah blah.  Obviously this post is not a "How To" for anything regarding relationships, because I have no clue what I'm doing myself.  I had fun figuring out, on my own, how to have a strong healthy relationship that made me and my boyfriend happy.  But, unfortunately for us all, you can never quite erase a person's past.  It always has a way of biting us in the ass and screwing with our future.  That's what is happening to us.  My boyfriend's past marriage is now making him question every aspect of our relationship.  He's thinking about trying to make things work with his ex-wife and starting over with her.  Now that'd be fine and dandy if it didn't mean the complete and total destruction of not only our relationship, but our friendship as well.  This is the longest relationship I've ever been in.  He has become a HUGE part of my life over the last 2 years or so and I'm terrified to lose the person who made me happier than I can explain.  Sure we've had our ups and downs, but we've never stopped loving, respecting, and caring for each other.  I thought long and hard about putting this on my blog, but I need some sort of outlet.  I talk to him about it sometimes, but mostly we just try to enjoy the time we have together and not add to the stress.  I talk to my friends and my therapist about it, but no one really understands how I'm feeling...mostly because I'm shitty at explaining.

Hope is a powerful thing for me.  It's something that keeps me going most of the time, but something that also gets me hurt very often.  I have had so much hope for my relationship for the last 2 years, as I'm sure everyone has in theirs or else what's the point.  But when your hopes start to get closer and closer to being crushed, there's not a whole lot that you can do except hope that your hopes can pull through.  I want everything to be okay with me and my boyfriend.  I want us to come back from this stronger than ever and have the awesome relationship that we've always had.  We still make each other happy, but I can tell he's never quite with me.  It's amazing how you can be laying in bed and so close to someone yet they can be so far away.  It's amazing and it's heartbreaking.  I know that he loves me and doesn't want to hurt me.  I know that I love him and will never give up.  But I also know that relationships cannot be fixed or maintained by internet articles and hopes.  

In the home stretch. Give me summer!

Well, this semester is finally coming to a close.  Only 2 more days of clinical left and 1 final exam in a few weeks.  I can't even express how ecstatic I am to only have to drive an hour to the hospital for clinicals 2 more times.  As my final spring semester comes to an end, I have realized that there are aspects of nursing that I do like, and certain departments where it's much more enjoyable.  If I have to be a Med/Surg floor nurse for the rest of my life, I will jump off a skyscraper.  That's definitely not for me.  However, the ER, ICU, and OR are the 3 departments where I truly enjoyed myself and I liked the variety that comes along with being a nurse in those areas.  This is also the first semester in over a year that I haven't been freaking out about finals and calculating exactly what percentage of an A I need on my finals to pass my classes.  I forgot how nice it is to not be under immense amounts of stress.

Next semester I get to try my hand at being a pediatric (student) nurse and a mental health (student) nurse.  I'm excited to work with kids, though I'd be happy to work with anyone under the age of 60, and I'm looking forward to a change.  Then, in December, I graduate.  Crazy.  College really does fly by and I've spent most of it stressing about grades and hating my major.  Quite a way to spend 4 years of my life.  Post-graduation I get the pleasure of attempting to pass the NCLEX and beginning to pay off the ridiculous amount of loans I've accumulated...yay?  Moving back to Illinois and being with my family and friends again will be wonderful and I'm even just looking forward to doing that over this summer.  If summer even happens.  It's been in the 40's here and gloomy as hell for the last few weeks and I'm starting to think Mother Nature is just kind of a temperamental bitch....just like some people I know.

Over the last 4 months, I have learned a few things about myself as a result of working at the hospital and just being in Milwaukee.  I've learned that I need to have a lot more confidence in myself and, being essentially on my own while taking care of patients, I have gained that confidence in myself and in my abilities.  I used to constantly second guess what I was doing and look to my instructor for guidance and answers.  Now I can do things myself, have better judgement as far as making decisions during patient care, and know my strengths and weaknesses.  Sometimes you need to be thrown into a situation that's completely new to you just to realize how strong you actually are and how much you are capable of, and that's what this semester has done for me.  I've also learned that it's difficult to be in a long distance relationship, but if both parties put in the effort to make it work, it will work.  I've gotten to see my boyfriend usually about once a week since January because we both make trips back and forth, even if it's just for the night.  It's definitely not ideal or easy, but it does make us stronger in my opinion.  You learn to make the most of the time you get together and communication becomes extremely important (though that's important to us even when we're in the same state).  This was also my first year living in a real apartment instead of the dorms, and having my car up in Wisconsin with me.  I've learned to do a lot more for myself and take care of things on my own, though sometimes I do need advice/assistance from people.  It's a big change from living in a dorm where everything is pretty much taken care of for you.  I love having an apartment and next semester I'm really hoping to live on my own.  Roommates suck.  It's said that college is where you're supposed to create your life and gain independence and this is the first year that I really feel like I've accomplished those things.

All I can say is I'm happy that in a few weeks I'll be free for the summer and it better start warming up!!!

Hugs and Kisses!

I don't normally give a shit about this "holiday" but I do actually have someone to celebrate with this year and, unlike last year, we will get to spend some time together.  No fancy expensive dinners though, I'm cooking (God help us all).  It's a day to celebrate love and happiness, though I firmly believe that those things should be celebrated every day.  If you're single, maybe this day is a reminder to love yourself.  Regardless, there should be lots of chocolate involved.  Happy Valentine's Day!

"Only fear can defeat life" - Yann Martel

Everyone in the world has at least one fear.  Some are minor, some are considered phobias, and some are completely debilitating and cause anxiety.  Lately I've been thinking a lot about the things that scare me.  There are concrete things that many people are afraid of like bugs, heights, small spaces, and clowns.  I happen to hate bugs/spiders and clowns enough to run away and/or scream whenever I see these things.  Yes, I know it's just a harmless little crawly thing and a man with a crap-load of face paint on, but seriously...creepy.  Aside from those common fears, there are the more abstract things that scare people.  Being alone, having no friends, being financially unstable, being unhappy, losing people you love; these are all things that many people fear will happen to them.

Losing the people I love is a fear that haunts my thoughts often.  Life is just so short and unpredictable.  Notable shootings are practically a regular occurrence now.  Car accidents occur all too often for varying reasons; drunk drivers, texting while driving, slippery road conditions, people trying to multitask while driving.  Sickness takes people's lives every minute of every day.  The fact that I'm a nursing student may contribute to this because I see and hear about the tragedies that take people away from their loved ones all the time.  Just the other day I had a patient who told me that she lost her boyfriend in a car accident in the 90's.  A girl I met (only once) died when her car veered off the road and into a pond just 3 months after I'd met her.  She was the same age as me.  There was a shooting at a restaurant 4 blocks from my Milwaukee apartment back in December.  All of these things scare me so much.  What if that was me? What if my I lost my boyfriend to an accident?  What if my parents get sick?  I know you're not supposed to let the "what ifs" control your life, and I try not to.  However, they definitely affect how I see the world and how I interact with the people in my life.

Another fear I have is that I'll be lost in life.  A well-known line from The Fellowship of the Ring, by J.R.R. Tolkien is, "Not all those who wander are lost."  I've been somewhat of a wanderer during my life.  Not necessarily geographically (I haven't traveled nearly as much as I'd like to), but with experiences.  I do my best to try everything once.  How can you discover new things and new places and new people that could benefit your life if you never try anything new? I've tried pretty much every major sport there is, I suck at all of them but that's beside the point.  I'm usually willing to try new foods unless it's something very sketchy looking (i.e. caviar, I've heard it pops in your mouth...ew).  Just like most people, I've been through my fair share of phases and trends.  Wandering and trying things out is definitely a good way to figure out exactly who you are.  My fear, however, is not that I'll lose myself.  My fear is that I'll lose my way and my happiness.  At this point, the feeling I have towards my future career is hatred.  I've damaged my relationship with my parents over the last few years.  My friends have all started growing apart a bit, which happens to everyone but is still sad.  These circumstances do end up making me feel a little lost, but I believe I can find my way to the life I want.

The Divergent series by Veronica Roth has been growing in popularity, especially with the upcoming release of a film based on the first book.  The books show how divided and f-ed up society could get when certain people are put in power and decide how a population should live.  One of the events that the characters experience is a simulation of their fears.  They are forced to virtually face their biggest fears and are judged by how many they have.  If I was faced with a room full of spiders, I may be forced to let them crawl on me and that may make me realize (after a good amount of screaming and flailing) that they are not going to eat me or crawl into my brain and lay eggs.  Of all the brutal training they are put through, this is the one thing that I wish was real.  I'm a huge believer in facing your fears, trying to overcome them, and not letting them rule your life.

In The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, he writes, "Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself."  The realization that I've come to is that your fears cannot rule your life and keep you from experiences.  For too long I've let "what ifs" stop me from fully enjoying life.  But I believe that people should try harder to live by Eleanor Roosevelt's advice: "Do one thing every day that scares you."  Having the courage to live life to the fullest in spite of your fears is, in my opinion, one of the bravest things a person can do.

Patience is a virtue...most of the time

I am very much the type of person who is laid back and doesn't let things get to me.  I'm pretty go-with-the-flow and I've found that being that way causes a lot less tension and stress in life compared to people who are uptight and dramatic.  Of course sometimes you just can't help the way you feel about certain things.  Even with my laid back-ness, I tend to get insanely annoyed with myself when things do end up getting to me, but I'm guessing I'm not the only person who does that.

Patience might as well be my middle name.  I am a very patient person and probably more so than I should be.  I've heard people say that being patient and not pushing for what you want will get you nowhere, but I disagree.  There's a lot of honor and trust involved in letting things happen on their own.  It's not always the easy way to handle situations but that doesn't mean it's the wrong way.  Though there are those times when you become weak and your patience wears thin and afterwards you want to punch yourself in the face out of frustration for being an idiot.

Obviously this mentality does not apply to all situations.  There are times when you need to absolutely get yourself out of something and not wait to see what happens or to see if things will get better or if people will change.  Everyone has situations like that in life, but it's knowing when to be patient and when to get out that makes all the difference.

I love myself, as everyone should love themselves.  I love my personality, my sense of humor, my eyes and my butt.  But there are times when I hate myself.  A few of those times being when, in high school, I made out with a guy who had a girlfriend (which I was aware of) and let him get to second base, or when I talk endlessly about my feelings with my boyfriend and feel like I sound annoying and needy, or when I lied to my parents all last year about who I was with and where I was going, or even when I eat so many Skittles that I feel like puking.  The key to limiting those moments of self-hatred is to surround yourself with people who make you love yourself, people who bring out the best in you and don't judge you when you slip up.  Even though I'm only 21, I have been through enough to know which people are good for me and which people are bad for me.  I used to be friends with a few people who were jerks and made me feel stupid and put me down a lot just for being me.  I've been friends with people who made me uptight and caused a lot of unnecessary drama.  That's not who I am and those people are no longer in my life more than they need to be. I am a patient and laid back person but I definitely won't tolerate people who try to change me or put me down or anyone who tries to do the same to the people I love.

Nursing Woes

College is, in a way, the beginning of your life. Your "grown up" life away from your parents, where you're free to do what you want and study what you want.  Four years are dedicated to figuring out your future and preparing for a career in the real world.  Not to mention you have the pleasure of racking up immense amounts of student loans that you'll be paying off till you're 80. Oh goody.

For me, college has been a mild form of torture.  Now, I'm not going to sit here and complain about studying and not being able to party as much as I want and stupid things like that.  You have to work hard to make it through and you have to learn to balance your social life and your academics, those are rules 1 and 2.  The reason that I dislike school a bit more than most is because of my major.  I'm going to let you in on a little secret...nursing school completely sucks.  That is a fact agreed on by every nursing student that I know.  It also doesn't help that I really don't want to be a nurse.  That's not to say it's something I'm bad at, I've been holding my own throughout the years of schooling.  But it's a lot easier to get through school when you enjoy what you're learning.  Sometimes in my lecture halls I will look around the room and find those people (the majority of the class) who are attentively listening and hanging on the professor's every word.  They're truly interested in learning about beta blockers or end-stage renal disease or whatever we're learning that day.  All I can say is that I wish I was one of those people.  I'd give anything to be passionate about nursing and to have a huge desire to help people and take care of people during the worst times of their lives.  Unfortunately, I'm more the I-only-chose-this-career-because-I'm-likely-to-find-a-job-when-I-graduate type person.  That type of person is not uncommon, especially since money makes the world go round and you only get money if you can find a decent job.  But I never realized how difficult it actually is to be one of those people.

With that said, I have discovered that I thoroughly enjoy sticking people with needles and I find diseases and their effects very interesting.  Passing out medications to the patients is interesting, especially when they're not just oral meds.  Creams, patches, nebulizers, inhalers, injections, IV treatments, those are all more fun than just giving pills (most of the time).  I haven't gotten to actually start an IV yet but I imagine that's pretty fun too, as long as you do it right.  I am hoping to get to work with other populations besides the elderly in my clinical setting (they're all I've worked with so far).  Also I've managed to make it through 35 hours of clinicals without having to wipe anyone's ass (thank god), but that's bound to come up.

Even with just one year left, I still have a lot to learn and a lot of clinical experience to gain.  Who knows, maybe I'll end up falling in love with nursing and being super excited to graduate and get a job.  Maybe...