Bitchfest 2014

I used to consider myself a pretty strong person.  I never cried much, I made it through a lot of stressful times without breaking down, and I held up other people along the way.  But as I'm getting older and the stress and anxiety is just piling on, I'm realizing that I can barely hold myself up let alone anyone else.  

This past Monday, my boyfriend broke up with me.  I was devastated and heartbroken and still am.  He is everything to me and I don't really know what to do now that he doesn't want to be with me at all.  He made me truly happy and now he barely speaks to me.  I don't really know how your feelings for someone just disappear within a matter of months, but it happened I guess.  I thought he would always be in my life, but I guess he had other ideas.  

My brother is depressed.  He has had some major meltdowns recently and I'm not really sure how to help him.  It sucks that I'm in Milwaukee and he's back in Illinois so we don't get to talk that much, but I wish I knew how he is feeling and how I could help.  I know he feels that my parents put a lot of pressure on him to do well in school and keep his priorities straight and all that.  I dealt with the same thing at his age.  But everyone handles things differently and it seems it was all too much for him.  

My mom doesn't want to be with my dad anymore.  This is an old issue.  They have been back and forth between good and almost divorcing for the last few years.  My dad keeps "changing" and becoming a good husband...for a few months.  Then when he's done with the charade, everything goes back to normal and everyone's miserable again.  My mom is very open with me about how she feels about my dad (which I'm sure some people find odd or wrong), and I honestly think that she could do better.  She should be happy.  I love both my parents very much but I have always thought that they are just not right for each other.  And I think they know that too.

I'll be graduating college in less than three months and the only thing I feel is super anxious about it.  I am excited that soon I will be done with school.  I hate school and I hate Wisconsin so there's really no reason for me to not be happy about leaving soon.  But I can't stand the thought of having to be a nurse when this is over.  As nursing school has progressed, I have found a few things here and there that I like about it.  But for the most part, it makes me miserable.  When I'm at the hospital, all I can think about is how this doesn't feel right and how I should be leaving this to the people who actually have a passion for it and how I can't wait to just go home.  I also am going to have to move back home to Illinois which is where ALL the drama is with my family.  At least when I'm here, I am only involved when someone gets me involved (like with a phone call or visit), but soon I will have no choice.  I try my best to keep to myself and stay out of everything, but despite my best efforts something always happens that somehow becomes my problem.  On top of all that, I have almost $150,000 in loans that I am going to have to start paying off in June.  I don't even want to think about that.

Honestly, all I want is my boyfriend right now.  When things were stressful, he would always listen and hold me and try his best to make me feel better.  It always worked.  And now, the one person who I tell everything to and the one person who I know can make me feel better is shutting me out.  So now this insane drama-filled bitchfest gets to go on my blog instead.  Enjoy.

A Drop In The Ocean

Being in a relationship is one of the most fun, exhilarating, and frustrating parts of life, I'm sure many people would agree.  You get to know someone so well that they just become your "person."  That one person whom you can trust and love unconditionally, who you can tell anything to and completely be yourself around, the one person who can always put a smile on your face and a song in your heart.  Cheesy, I know, but also very true.  For many people, women in particular, having the emotional stability of a good relationship is higher up on their priority list than many other things (or so I've read).  So what happens when everything in your relationship starts to crumble? What happens when your "person" starts becoming a stranger again?  These are questions that I am currently trying to deal with, and hating every second of it.

I know there's a lot of relationship crap on the internet.  How to get over a guy, how to revamp your sex life, how to get someone to notice you, how to know if he's the one...blah blah blah.  Obviously this post is not a "How To" for anything regarding relationships, because I have no clue what I'm doing myself.  I had fun figuring out, on my own, how to have a strong healthy relationship that made me and my boyfriend happy.  But, unfortunately for us all, you can never quite erase a person's past.  It always has a way of biting us in the ass and screwing with our future.  That's what is happening to us.  My boyfriend's past marriage is now making him question every aspect of our relationship.  He's thinking about trying to make things work with his ex-wife and starting over with her.  Now that'd be fine and dandy if it didn't mean the complete and total destruction of not only our relationship, but our friendship as well.  This is the longest relationship I've ever been in.  He has become a HUGE part of my life over the last 2 years or so and I'm terrified to lose the person who made me happier than I can explain.  Sure we've had our ups and downs, but we've never stopped loving, respecting, and caring for each other.  I thought long and hard about putting this on my blog, but I need some sort of outlet.  I talk to him about it sometimes, but mostly we just try to enjoy the time we have together and not add to the stress.  I talk to my friends and my therapist about it, but no one really understands how I'm feeling...mostly because I'm shitty at explaining.

Hope is a powerful thing for me.  It's something that keeps me going most of the time, but something that also gets me hurt very often.  I have had so much hope for my relationship for the last 2 years, as I'm sure everyone has in theirs or else what's the point.  But when your hopes start to get closer and closer to being crushed, there's not a whole lot that you can do except hope that your hopes can pull through.  I want everything to be okay with me and my boyfriend.  I want us to come back from this stronger than ever and have the awesome relationship that we've always had.  We still make each other happy, but I can tell he's never quite with me.  It's amazing how you can be laying in bed and so close to someone yet they can be so far away.  It's amazing and it's heartbreaking.  I know that he loves me and doesn't want to hurt me.  I know that I love him and will never give up.  But I also know that relationships cannot be fixed or maintained by internet articles and hopes.