A Drop In The Ocean

Being in a relationship is one of the most fun, exhilarating, and frustrating parts of life, I'm sure many people would agree.  You get to know someone so well that they just become your "person."  That one person whom you can trust and love unconditionally, who you can tell anything to and completely be yourself around, the one person who can always put a smile on your face and a song in your heart.  Cheesy, I know, but also very true.  For many people, women in particular, having the emotional stability of a good relationship is higher up on their priority list than many other things (or so I've read).  So what happens when everything in your relationship starts to crumble? What happens when your "person" starts becoming a stranger again?  These are questions that I am currently trying to deal with, and hating every second of it.

I know there's a lot of relationship crap on the internet.  How to get over a guy, how to revamp your sex life, how to get someone to notice you, how to know if he's the one...blah blah blah.  Obviously this post is not a "How To" for anything regarding relationships, because I have no clue what I'm doing myself.  I had fun figuring out, on my own, how to have a strong healthy relationship that made me and my boyfriend happy.  But, unfortunately for us all, you can never quite erase a person's past.  It always has a way of biting us in the ass and screwing with our future.  That's what is happening to us.  My boyfriend's past marriage is now making him question every aspect of our relationship.  He's thinking about trying to make things work with his ex-wife and starting over with her.  Now that'd be fine and dandy if it didn't mean the complete and total destruction of not only our relationship, but our friendship as well.  This is the longest relationship I've ever been in.  He has become a HUGE part of my life over the last 2 years or so and I'm terrified to lose the person who made me happier than I can explain.  Sure we've had our ups and downs, but we've never stopped loving, respecting, and caring for each other.  I thought long and hard about putting this on my blog, but I need some sort of outlet.  I talk to him about it sometimes, but mostly we just try to enjoy the time we have together and not add to the stress.  I talk to my friends and my therapist about it, but no one really understands how I'm feeling...mostly because I'm shitty at explaining.

Hope is a powerful thing for me.  It's something that keeps me going most of the time, but something that also gets me hurt very often.  I have had so much hope for my relationship for the last 2 years, as I'm sure everyone has in theirs or else what's the point.  But when your hopes start to get closer and closer to being crushed, there's not a whole lot that you can do except hope that your hopes can pull through.  I want everything to be okay with me and my boyfriend.  I want us to come back from this stronger than ever and have the awesome relationship that we've always had.  We still make each other happy, but I can tell he's never quite with me.  It's amazing how you can be laying in bed and so close to someone yet they can be so far away.  It's amazing and it's heartbreaking.  I know that he loves me and doesn't want to hurt me.  I know that I love him and will never give up.  But I also know that relationships cannot be fixed or maintained by internet articles and hopes.