Bitchfest 2014

I used to consider myself a pretty strong person.  I never cried much, I made it through a lot of stressful times without breaking down, and I held up other people along the way.  But as I'm getting older and the stress and anxiety is just piling on, I'm realizing that I can barely hold myself up let alone anyone else.  

This past Monday, my boyfriend broke up with me.  I was devastated and heartbroken and still am.  He is everything to me and I don't really know what to do now that he doesn't want to be with me at all.  He made me truly happy and now he barely speaks to me.  I don't really know how your feelings for someone just disappear within a matter of months, but it happened I guess.  I thought he would always be in my life, but I guess he had other ideas.  

My brother is depressed.  He has had some major meltdowns recently and I'm not really sure how to help him.  It sucks that I'm in Milwaukee and he's back in Illinois so we don't get to talk that much, but I wish I knew how he is feeling and how I could help.  I know he feels that my parents put a lot of pressure on him to do well in school and keep his priorities straight and all that.  I dealt with the same thing at his age.  But everyone handles things differently and it seems it was all too much for him.  

My mom doesn't want to be with my dad anymore.  This is an old issue.  They have been back and forth between good and almost divorcing for the last few years.  My dad keeps "changing" and becoming a good husband...for a few months.  Then when he's done with the charade, everything goes back to normal and everyone's miserable again.  My mom is very open with me about how she feels about my dad (which I'm sure some people find odd or wrong), and I honestly think that she could do better.  She should be happy.  I love both my parents very much but I have always thought that they are just not right for each other.  And I think they know that too.

I'll be graduating college in less than three months and the only thing I feel is super anxious about it.  I am excited that soon I will be done with school.  I hate school and I hate Wisconsin so there's really no reason for me to not be happy about leaving soon.  But I can't stand the thought of having to be a nurse when this is over.  As nursing school has progressed, I have found a few things here and there that I like about it.  But for the most part, it makes me miserable.  When I'm at the hospital, all I can think about is how this doesn't feel right and how I should be leaving this to the people who actually have a passion for it and how I can't wait to just go home.  I also am going to have to move back home to Illinois which is where ALL the drama is with my family.  At least when I'm here, I am only involved when someone gets me involved (like with a phone call or visit), but soon I will have no choice.  I try my best to keep to myself and stay out of everything, but despite my best efforts something always happens that somehow becomes my problem.  On top of all that, I have almost $150,000 in loans that I am going to have to start paying off in June.  I don't even want to think about that.

Honestly, all I want is my boyfriend right now.  When things were stressful, he would always listen and hold me and try his best to make me feel better.  It always worked.  And now, the one person who I tell everything to and the one person who I know can make me feel better is shutting me out.  So now this insane drama-filled bitchfest gets to go on my blog instead.  Enjoy.