I have never been a very religious person. Sure when I was younger I was in Religious Ed and my family did go to church almost every Sunday, but I was never really invested or interested. When I got older we stopped that, though, and became "Chreaster" people (the people who only go to church on Christmas and Easter) and even that stopped after a few years. So basically I hadn't set foot in a church, for anything other than a wedding, in about 5 years. But this past Sunday I changed that.
As you can tell from my last blog post, there's a lot of shit going on in my life right now. Nothing, and I mean nothing, feels stable to me. It's a feeling that's hard to explain and even harder to deal with. My new-found interest in church and religion has a lot to do with this. I am trying to find strength and stability wherever I can get it and from what I hear, church is good for that. Also, after some lengthy conversations with my (now ex) boyfriend, I realized that I have no clue what I believe in or if I even have faith in anything at all. My dad has told me that even if you don't have faith in God or religion, there are 3 other things that you need to have faith in: yourself, other people, and the idea that things will work out how they're supposed to. When I reflected on these, I discovered that I don't have faith in any of those things either. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it's also true.
Having faith in one's self is easier said than done in my opinion. I have confidence in some aspects of my life (which I think can translate as having faith), but not others. And, throughout my life, my confidence in certain areas has decreased due to events and circumstances. I am not insecure, but I am not as confident and sure as I outwardly portray myself to be, That is something that I am always hesitant to admit to people because I then feel weak, and if there's one thing I hate it's feeling weak. I've been trying to have more faith in myself lately, believing that I can do something or get through things even when it feels like I can't. It's difficult since my natural thing to do is believe that I'll fail, but I think I can make some progress if I try to change my mindset.
As far as having faith in other people, I haven't been given a lot of reason to believe in others. My family is disconnected and judgmental (though they'd never admit that) and can be mean at times when I just need someone to tell me that things will be okay. For example when I shared my feelings about wanting to go to church, only my mom and dad were semi-supportive. I got snarky, rude comments and a lot of "why would you do that?" from the rest of them. I was surprised and not surprised by the reactions. I feel like maybe I put too much faith in the wrong people, the people who always end up hurting me or the people I love in some way. So then I wonder, why put faith in anyone at all if they're all going to hurt me? I think that is why I have this horrible way of thinking now.
Now to the last one, having faith in that everything will work out the way it's supposed to. I will never have faith in this. I used to believe that cheesy saying that everything happens for a reason, but as I've gotten older I've found that no one makes the decisions to decide how your life will go except you. Letting things work out how they're "supposed to" is a bullshit excuse for being lazy and not going after what you want or being too afraid to. If something happens in your life, good or bad, you decide how to handle it and how to let it affect your life. You decide when to be strong and when to turn to other things or people for support and you decide what path you want to take. Who's to say that something is "supposed" to be a certain way? This is where some people would say that God is the one making those decisions, and this is where I show my lack of faith. If things are the way they're meant to be in my life right now, I've done something very wrong.
Saying this makes me feel like a bad person, but I have a lot of doubts about God and prayer and the power of both. I know that praying is supposed to be a way of having a conversation with God, however I wonder if anyone's actually listening. Maybe God answers some prayers and not others, but I'm not good at recognizing if they're being answered or not. I have prayed before. When I was younger I used to pray every single night. Lately I've been praying a lot more because I really need some help, but I haven't really gotten any. Or maybe I have and just don't see it. That's my problem is that I don't understand how some people can pray, and then when something random happens they see it as a sign and as an answer to their prayers. It's completely subjective. If God is going to answer my prayers, the only way I'm going to recognize it is if a light shines out of the sky and God appears and verbally gives me my answer. As great as that would be, it's pretty unlikely. So I thought that maybe going to church would teach me how to recognize God's way of communicating with us. I could be surrounded by people who have stronger beliefs and more faith than I and I could learn from them. I don't expect to learn everything and have all my questions answered right away, I know it will take time. For the first time in my life, I'm willing to make that time for God.
By pursuing the strength and knowledge that I will hopefully receive by becoming more spiritual, I think my faith in many things will blossom and be restored. Or that's what I'm hoping for anyway. I am too cynical for someone so young and would like to change that. I went to church and it was weird. I felt good about being there but I wanted to cry the whole time (I have no clue why). It was a special service for blessing animals so it was a bit different than a regular service would be, though it was awesome to share my pew with a few dogs and their owners. I was raised Catholic, but decided to go to a Lutheran church that is across the street from my current apartment. It was interesting to see what was similar and what was different from my church I went to growing up, I liked making the comparisons. I have no clue if this place can give me what I'm looking for or help me to find faith and spirituality, but I'm looking forward to giving it a chance. It's funny how it sometimes takes crappy circumstances to push us towards our religion and finding faith in God. I'm honestly not proud of the fact that I was leading such an incredibly secular life. It has led me to have many questions, many doubts, and hardly any faith. I know God won't solve my problems for me, but I'm hoping maybe he can give me the strength and direction that I need to face them head on.
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